i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
