We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
