I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
