why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
