This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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