When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
do nipples grow back?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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