My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
