You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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