Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
