Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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