fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
