I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
