I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
