conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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