why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
