the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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