The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
True strength comes from lack of pants
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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