He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
