That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
