watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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