I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
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Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting