Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list