and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic