You're completely useless in the revolution.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
