Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
