i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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