Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
