Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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