well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
