you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
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The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i now understand why vodka
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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