Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
