I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
