apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
