Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
