This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
