I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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