i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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