I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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