Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
