we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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