oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
