last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
