I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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