My hand turned me down
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
