So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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