I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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