I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm going to jail i love you
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
