he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
