why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
