Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
