Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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