my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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