mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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