So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
