i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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