Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
