and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh