She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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