how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
