fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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