I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
