Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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